I’m having a rough time.
Work is hard. Everything is hard.
I feel myself getting anxious or angry several times a day.
Thinking about you makes me feel better.
Talking to you calms me down, makes me smile.
But you’ve been busy lately.
It’s probably a good thing for us both.
After all, girls like me don’t need crutches like you.
Girls like me don’t need anyone...
Really.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Monday, December 28, 2009
"Bones it, kid."
It’s a tightening of the throat
A welling of the eyes
Big grins without a reason
One hello and no goodbyes.
It’s a sigh of lost patience
A beginning but no end
A shaking finger of reproach
Rules I always let you bend.
Laughs that make you hurt
And hands that help you heal
Words that make no sense at all
Knocking fists to seal a deal.
Tickling matches I always win
Body parts named for food
Reading books we’ve read before
Timeout with you’ve been rude.
Trips to school and back again
Frowns instead of screams
Singing loudly in the car
Making sense of childish dreams.
A million things and always more
One or two would never do
Love is more than picket fences
It can work with just us two.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
What's it feel like to drown?
One day soon your laughter will falter and the smile will slip from your face.
One by one every responsibility, fear, rejection, dashed hope, negative thought
will roll over your head like ocean waves, leaving you gasping for breath
and then swallowing, swallowing gulps of water until it fills every corner of your insides
until there’s nothing left to do but sit and let it all slowly leak from your eyes
and pray that when you’re done, the resulting flood doesn’t drown you all over again.
One by one every responsibility, fear, rejection, dashed hope, negative thought
will roll over your head like ocean waves, leaving you gasping for breath
and then swallowing, swallowing gulps of water until it fills every corner of your insides
until there’s nothing left to do but sit and let it all slowly leak from your eyes
and pray that when you’re done, the resulting flood doesn’t drown you all over again.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Stonewalled
I found out yesterday that you joined the military. I'd heard a rumor you might.
I read it online. ONLINE.
I go through life offending people and not really caring what they think, but I care about you. You haven't spoken to me in almost a year. A year. I've known you half my life, and loved you half of that.
I try not to think about you because when I do, I drive myself crazy with wondering.
What did I say?
What did I do?
Why can't you just tell me?
Was it that bad?
If it was so bad, why don't I have the slightest clue what made you turn away?
I alternate between anger because you won't return my calls or emails...and paranoia because I've obviously done something and I can't figure out what it is...and fear because what if I really never see or speak to you again?
I never came out and told you I love you, but I do. I've loved you so long and so quietly that I kept it a secret from myself. When I deny it, it doesn't hurt so much. When I pretend you couldn't have possibly known, it feels better.
I thought that old saying was crazy, but it isn't...
I'd rather be your friend than your nothing.
I'd rather face your anger or disappointment than your silence.
Please....
I read it online. ONLINE.
I go through life offending people and not really caring what they think, but I care about you. You haven't spoken to me in almost a year. A year. I've known you half my life, and loved you half of that.
I try not to think about you because when I do, I drive myself crazy with wondering.
What did I say?
What did I do?
Why can't you just tell me?
Was it that bad?
If it was so bad, why don't I have the slightest clue what made you turn away?
I alternate between anger because you won't return my calls or emails...and paranoia because I've obviously done something and I can't figure out what it is...and fear because what if I really never see or speak to you again?
I never came out and told you I love you, but I do. I've loved you so long and so quietly that I kept it a secret from myself. When I deny it, it doesn't hurt so much. When I pretend you couldn't have possibly known, it feels better.
I thought that old saying was crazy, but it isn't...
I'd rather be your friend than your nothing.
I'd rather face your anger or disappointment than your silence.
Please....
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Saturday Morning 2 AM
The girl was lying on her back in a low-slung net float, feet gently swaying beneath the moon lit surface of the lake, dress billowing, hair fanned out atop the water.
She smiled and sang along with a country song on the radio. Round and round, round and round she turned. The stars filled up the clear, early morning sky and she knew this was one of those moments meant for remembering.
Her friends were laughing. Beer bottles littered the dock and puffs of smoke drifted out over the water.
They’d been at it for hours – reminiscing and cutting up like old times. They’d all grown up and gone their different ways, but for tonight they were together again. Some on the road to marriage, some back to college and some, like her, still aimlessly drifting.
“This feels soooo good”, she said throwing out her arms and churning the water. Round and round, round and round. They laughed at her and another plume of smoke rose over her head.
“It’s good pot, babe”, Claire answered.
The girl looked up to see Claire climbing the ladder to the platform, white bra and panties shining in the dark.
The girl never did this anymore. She’d smoked at their insistence and the tension had eased from her body almost immediately. She’d forgotten her protests in the pleasant fog.
The platform was a newly built six foot tall monstrosity that wobbled considerably under any weight and added with the height of the dock rose some 8-9 feet over the water.
At the top Claire raised her arms gracefully over her head. “Here I go", she yelled, and jumped. Her body seemed to hang in midair for a brief moment before plummeting toward the water.
The waves from Claire’s jump rocked the girl’s float into the ladder and she sat up and held tight to the bars.
Claire popped up a few feet out to the cheers of those perched on the dock.
“It’s your turn again”, she said to the girl.
The girl laughed and pulled herself out of the water, up the ladder, and on to the dock. Her dress clung to her body. She didn’t bother to wring it out, liking the way it sucked to her breasts and thighs and the way rivulets of water ran down her legs.
“Do it! Do it!”, they chanted.
“Alright! I’m going.”
She crossed to the platform and started to climb, stopping halfway to push her dress up for easier ascent.
She stood at the top, hands on her hips, and looked down at them teasingly.
“Should I do a karate kick? Break out some Jackie Chan”, she joked.
"Chuck Norris", someone shouted.
“Hell yeah”, said another.
She smiled and stretched her arms over her head, bringing them back down and flexing her muscles.
“Ya’ll ain’t ready for this”, she said, pushing her dress up even further and crouching into a fighter’s stance.
“DO IT!”
She sprung up on the balls of her feet and leapt out over the water, kicking her right leg out high and jabbing with her right fist.
“AAAIYA!"
She started the fall, leg still out, dress blowing out behind her. She heard them laughing right before she hit the water. She let herself sink down, down and touch the bottom. Then she pushed off hard and shot toward the light of the moon. As her head broke the surface they cheered again.
The girl pulled herself up the ladder once more, dripping, and reached for her beer.
“Chuck Norris ain’t got shit on me”, she said and took a swig.
Someone turned up the radio and soon they were all dancing. Water flew from their bodies and their voices echoed across the dark lake.
“If you like Pina Coladas! And getting’ caught in the rain!”
Tomorrow they’d all go their separate ways again, but tonight they’d make another memory to carry them through.
She smiled and sang along with a country song on the radio. Round and round, round and round she turned. The stars filled up the clear, early morning sky and she knew this was one of those moments meant for remembering.
Her friends were laughing. Beer bottles littered the dock and puffs of smoke drifted out over the water.
They’d been at it for hours – reminiscing and cutting up like old times. They’d all grown up and gone their different ways, but for tonight they were together again. Some on the road to marriage, some back to college and some, like her, still aimlessly drifting.
“This feels soooo good”, she said throwing out her arms and churning the water. Round and round, round and round. They laughed at her and another plume of smoke rose over her head.
“It’s good pot, babe”, Claire answered.
The girl looked up to see Claire climbing the ladder to the platform, white bra and panties shining in the dark.
The girl never did this anymore. She’d smoked at their insistence and the tension had eased from her body almost immediately. She’d forgotten her protests in the pleasant fog.
The platform was a newly built six foot tall monstrosity that wobbled considerably under any weight and added with the height of the dock rose some 8-9 feet over the water.
At the top Claire raised her arms gracefully over her head. “Here I go", she yelled, and jumped. Her body seemed to hang in midair for a brief moment before plummeting toward the water.
The waves from Claire’s jump rocked the girl’s float into the ladder and she sat up and held tight to the bars.
Claire popped up a few feet out to the cheers of those perched on the dock.
“It’s your turn again”, she said to the girl.
The girl laughed and pulled herself out of the water, up the ladder, and on to the dock. Her dress clung to her body. She didn’t bother to wring it out, liking the way it sucked to her breasts and thighs and the way rivulets of water ran down her legs.
“Do it! Do it!”, they chanted.
“Alright! I’m going.”
She crossed to the platform and started to climb, stopping halfway to push her dress up for easier ascent.
She stood at the top, hands on her hips, and looked down at them teasingly.
“Should I do a karate kick? Break out some Jackie Chan”, she joked.
"Chuck Norris", someone shouted.
“Hell yeah”, said another.
She smiled and stretched her arms over her head, bringing them back down and flexing her muscles.
“Ya’ll ain’t ready for this”, she said, pushing her dress up even further and crouching into a fighter’s stance.
“DO IT!”
She sprung up on the balls of her feet and leapt out over the water, kicking her right leg out high and jabbing with her right fist.
“AAAIYA!"
She started the fall, leg still out, dress blowing out behind her. She heard them laughing right before she hit the water. She let herself sink down, down and touch the bottom. Then she pushed off hard and shot toward the light of the moon. As her head broke the surface they cheered again.
The girl pulled herself up the ladder once more, dripping, and reached for her beer.
“Chuck Norris ain’t got shit on me”, she said and took a swig.
Someone turned up the radio and soon they were all dancing. Water flew from their bodies and their voices echoed across the dark lake.
“If you like Pina Coladas! And getting’ caught in the rain!”
Tomorrow they’d all go their separate ways again, but tonight they’d make another memory to carry them through.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Relief
Dear Person-Who-Shall-Remain-Nameless,
The past few weeks have been absolute bliss without your drama and negativity.
I’ve spent more than 20 years of my life letting you “run things”. And though over the past several years I’ve gotten more and more adept at not letting you bother me, I think I’ve finally succeeded in closing off completely.
The hardships in your life (past, present, and future) are no longer my concern and no longer serve as an excuse for your behavior. We’re both adults now.
I have nothing left to give you. Not advice…which you never take. Not money…which you never return. Not respect…which you never earned. Not friendship…which you take for granted. And not tears…they’ve better uses and bigger problems.
My faults are many, but I recognize and acknowledge them. I hope one day you’ll be able to do the same.
Blood is thicker, yes I know. But I’m opening my veins and letting it all run out.
A
The past few weeks have been absolute bliss without your drama and negativity.
I’ve spent more than 20 years of my life letting you “run things”. And though over the past several years I’ve gotten more and more adept at not letting you bother me, I think I’ve finally succeeded in closing off completely.
The hardships in your life (past, present, and future) are no longer my concern and no longer serve as an excuse for your behavior. We’re both adults now.
I have nothing left to give you. Not advice…which you never take. Not money…which you never return. Not respect…which you never earned. Not friendship…which you take for granted. And not tears…they’ve better uses and bigger problems.
My faults are many, but I recognize and acknowledge them. I hope one day you’ll be able to do the same.
Blood is thicker, yes I know. But I’m opening my veins and letting it all run out.
A
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Music therapy
Every now and then I come across a song that I just can't stop listening to.
The lyrics are ok, yeah, but it's something else with this song. The way it starts off softly then starts jammin' out. It makes me feel like crying and jumping up and down, dancing with my arms over my head at the same time. Oddly pleasurable.
I've been putting it on repeat in my car for the past two days.
Can't put a video or a song clip on here 'cause I'm at work, but here are the lyrics. Go check it out if you haven't heard it.
Do you remember when we didn't care
We were just two kids that took the moment when it was there
Do you remember you at all
Another heart calls
Yeah I remember when we stole the night
We'd lie awake but dreaming 'til the sun would wash the sky
Just as soon as I see you
But didn't I, but didn't I tell you
As deep as I need you,
You wanna leave it all
What can I do?
Say it's true
Or everything that matters breaks in two
Say it's true
I'll never ask for anyone but you
Talk to me
I'm throwing myself in front of you
This could be the last mistake
That I would ever wanna do
Yeah all I ever do is give it's time you see my point of view
Just as soon as I see you
But didn't I, but didn't I tell you
As deep as I need you,
You wanna leave it all
What can I do?
Say it's true
Or everything that matters breaks in two
Say it's true
I'll never ask for anyone but you
But I know what you want is to figure it out
And God knows I do too
What can I do?
Say it's true
I'll never ask for anyone but you
I'm sorry
So what?
But you don't think I've said enough
I'm sorry
I don't care
You were never there
As soon as I see you
But didn't I, but didn't I tell you
As deep as I need you
You wanna leave it all
What can I do?
Say it's true
Or everything that matters breaks in two
Say it's true
I'll never ask for anyone but you
But I know what you want is to figure it out
And God knows I do too
What can I do?
Say it's true
I'll never ask for anyone but you
I'll never ask for anyone but you
The lyrics are ok, yeah, but it's something else with this song. The way it starts off softly then starts jammin' out. It makes me feel like crying and jumping up and down, dancing with my arms over my head at the same time. Oddly pleasurable.
I've been putting it on repeat in my car for the past two days.
Can't put a video or a song clip on here 'cause I'm at work, but here are the lyrics. Go check it out if you haven't heard it.
All American Rejects w/ The Pierces
Another Heart Calls
Do you remember when we didn't care
We were just two kids that took the moment when it was there
Do you remember you at all
Another heart calls
Yeah I remember when we stole the night
We'd lie awake but dreaming 'til the sun would wash the sky
Just as soon as I see you
But didn't I, but didn't I tell you
As deep as I need you,
You wanna leave it all
What can I do?
Say it's true
Or everything that matters breaks in two
Say it's true
I'll never ask for anyone but you
Talk to me
I'm throwing myself in front of you
This could be the last mistake
That I would ever wanna do
Yeah all I ever do is give it's time you see my point of view
Just as soon as I see you
But didn't I, but didn't I tell you
As deep as I need you,
You wanna leave it all
What can I do?
Say it's true
Or everything that matters breaks in two
Say it's true
I'll never ask for anyone but you
But I know what you want is to figure it out
And God knows I do too
What can I do?
Say it's true
I'll never ask for anyone but you
I'm sorry
So what?
But you don't think I've said enough
I'm sorry
I don't care
You were never there
As soon as I see you
But didn't I, but didn't I tell you
As deep as I need you
You wanna leave it all
What can I do?
Say it's true
Or everything that matters breaks in two
Say it's true
I'll never ask for anyone but you
But I know what you want is to figure it out
And God knows I do too
What can I do?
Say it's true
I'll never ask for anyone but you
I'll never ask for anyone but you
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